aspergersguy on Autisable

Saturday, 08 May 2010

Asperger’s and relationship issues

When issues arise in a relationship where one person is on the spectrum and the other is not it is important that the couple have someone to talk to that understands what they are going through or has been through it themselves. I personally have had many struggles the past few months in dealing with my own issues surrounding AS and relationships, but I was lucky enough to have people in my life who have been a real blessing. Through talking to them about various things I have gained a whole new insight into myself.

Change often takes a long time to occur, but when it does it happens in an instant. Loving someone with AS can be both a wonderful and enriching and it can also make you want to pull your hair out and beat your head against a wall. It is important that you believe your asperger’s partner when they say that they love you, even if it is not the way that you feel love should be shown. Maybe in time they will learn to show it in ways that are important or meaningful to you. However, in the mean time it is important that you try to understand that in their own way they are telling you that they love you. The way they are showing that love may be the only way that they are capable of, or know how to right now.

Many people with AS are fairly transparent, honest, and loyal. People on the spectrum often find that lying is just too abstract of a concept, it is illogical and too difficult to do, so they just don’t do it, or if they do often they are not any good at it. Emotions are normally pretty much the same way. If someone with AS does not like you it is usually very obvious, and once they decide that they do not like you there isn’t much you can do to change that without putting in massive amounts of time and energy and starting over at square one. When a person with asperger’s does like someone even as a friend they tend to shower that person with attention to the point that it makes many people quite uncomfortable to be around them, or it can even make the person they like feel smothered or trapped.

I think a HUGE problem that occurs in many relationships is that the non-AS partner often feels like they are forced to be a parent and caretaker for their AS partner. This is a huge mistake to make, because the non-AS partner often begins to feel resentful, over burdened, used, or taken advantage of. This of course results in tension and conflict which the AS partner often cannot understand, because in the eyes of the AS partner they did not ask the non-AS partner to act as a surrogate parent to them. In addition many times the AS partner will grow to resent the non-AS partner if they begin to feel like they are being treated in a child like manner.

It is important to understand that not all individuals with AS enjoy intimate contact and some are even asexual. I have my theories about why that is; for example I am the type of person who loves to touch and hug people, in fact I enjoy it immensely, but there are limits to that even for me. It is my opinion that in many relationships where lack of intimacy is a problem it is not necessarily the physical act itself that is the issue. Yes, there is always a chance that there may be tactile and sensory issues that come into play, but when someone speaks unkindly, harshly, acts mean or gets angry with a person who has AS it can inflicts serious harm on an already fragile psyche even if neither party realizes it at the time. This also hold true for the person with asperger’s who may speak unkindly, or harshly to their partner, even if they are unaware of how their words have affected their non-AS partner.

It is incredibly hard for a person with AS to trust and to allow themselves to get close to another person. Often this is because they were probably mistreated and bullied most of their lives. Constantly being ridiculed and told they were weird, inappropriate, mean, and selfish; plus add any number of other nasty remarks you can think of and they were probably told that as well by someone at some point. When they finally do find someone they want to be close to and begin to form those bonds of trust and let their guard down all too often their partner finds their behaviors unacceptable and begins to scold and fight with the person who has AS. This may make the person with AS become frightened and defensive and then the walls go right back up ever taller and thicker than before. Let me be perfectly clear, I am in no way excusing the behavior, or saying that the person with AS should be given freedom to act out with complete abandon. However, the non-AS partner has to understand that their partner has a disability and requires some additional sympathy and support.

People with AS can become very angry and mean at times, especially when they feel threatened or that their trust has been broken, or lost. It is almost impossible to get that trust back when this happens. Many times it is these feelings of anger or betrayal (real or perceived) that cause one partner or the other to pull away. Having AS is like going to a foreign country and not being able to speak the language. It is very frustrating when you want to say or express something and you have no clue how to, or when you are accused of not caring, or understanding simply because you failed to understand the language that your partner is speaking. Inability to communicate effectively is the number one problem in AS/NON AS relationships, and in my opinion a key reason in what causes frustration for the person with Asperger’s.

People with AS are capable of love and understanding, they can feel/express emotions and they have empathy; it just may take more time than the non-AS partner would like to develop and bring it out. It may also involve more work than they are willing to put in. When a relationship with someone on the spectrum is strained or going through some rough times it can be very taxing emotionally for both people. For a person with AS even if they love you once trust has been lost it becomes increasingly difficult for them to allow themselves to be intimately vulnerable, or even emotionally open with someone that they do not completely trust, or feel safe with.

As long as the two people are still together and working toward fixing the relationship there is still a good chance that with some counseling, patience and understanding on both sides that it will work out, but it will be an uphill struggle and it has to be something that both people want, or it will not work.

Lastly I would like to add that this holds true for family members as well. When a family member mistreats or alienates a person with AS it can have a devastating effect on the family dynamic. Years of hurt and pain can build up, and must be dealt with if the relationship is to be mended. At this critical time it is vital for the non-AS family member/partner to be truthful with themselves about their own actions; admit that they are equally to blame and understand that total reconciliation may never be possible if too much hurt has been caused. It is always easier to blame problems and failure on other people, especially when one of the people has a hidden disability like Asperger’s. The most important thing to remember is that it took two people to cause the problem and it will take two people to fix it.